You Should Know #6...The Real Me

I've got a confession to make. Mostly to myself. And it's monumental. Or just mental. Whatever it is, it took half of a large-sized chocolate bar (It was organic.), and an entire bottle of red wine (It was on sale.) for me to realize...

I forgot who I am. The real me. Not the me who answers to "Honey", "Momma", or "Nana". Not the me who is constantly answering another question as to how I'm feeling. And certainly not the me who stares back in the mirror. I don't know her. She's just, well, she's just old-looking. And tired. So, I decided to have a talk with myself about who I really am in the hopes that maybe, just maybe I'll find myself again without having to get a tattoo on my arm that just says, "Kim".

Here's what I think you (and me) should know about me.

1. I'm a yeller. Growing up in a house of yellers, I decided early on, that I was not going to be one of those parents. Then I became one. Times 9. Not that I'm excusing the yelling, but it's very easy to judge someone whose shoes you've never walked in. So, I'm working on this. The yelling, not the judging. I'm a mess. But, a mess in progress.

2. I don't like meat. There. I've said it. I like to raise it. I like to cook it. But I do not like to eat it. Probably because I have to floss after eating it. And I hate flossing. It's my own act of rebellion. When the dentist asks, I smile and turn it back to him, "What do you think?" He usually tells me what a good job I've been doing and gives me a baggy with an extra toothbrush and, you guessed it, dental floss. I use it to cut cinnamon rolls. It's a win-win.

3. I am a cryer. Oh yes. Whenever I get angry, I cry. Sad? I cry. Sick? Happy? Ecstatic? Yep, crying. I go to Costco for the sole purpose of buying Kleenex in bulk. It makes me so happy to see all those boxes wrapped together in plastic, so I cry. Then I think about all the dolphins that will die because of all the plastic, so I cry a little harder. Which leads me to bust into the bulk wrapping so I can blot and blow. I can no longer shop at our local Hallmark store, because I've blubbered over every card from Congratulations on Your New Baby, to Just Because I Was Thinking of You. I've now resorted to buying blank cards and signing my name next to a hastily scribbled, Happy Birthday. That's it. No sentiment whatsoever. Because I'll cry. And it would smear my signature.

4. I wear bifocals. Well, not really. I got them. I hear they're cute, but I can't see a dang thing with them. And they make me walk like a drunken sailor. I feel like I need Dramamine just to get to the kitchen. Give me a fishing pole and I'd swear I was on a boat in the ocean. I'll probably regret not wearing them someday. But not today. I'm just thankful they haven't made me puke yet.

5. I like to quilt while I watch episodes of House Hunters International. Too bad I have to choose between seeing the television or seeing the quilt stitches. Maybe I should take some Dramamine and put on the bifocals. But that would be too easy, and I like to do things the hard way. Besides, seeing vacation homes in Jamaica may make me start thinking get-rich-quick-Ponzi-scheme. It's best if I just don't see the t.v.

6. My knees knock when I have to stand in front of an audience. Seriously. I sing on the worship team at church and it always feels like my first time. Thankfully, my knees knock to the rhythm of the music, so it's almost like we have a drummer. Almost. A few years ago, I had to give a little speech. My throat dried up, my lips stuck together, and I developed a stutter I didn't previously have. But, if I get to play a character, I have no fear at all. Sometimes it's easier to play someone else than it is to just be me. Next time I have to give a speech, I'm going to pretend to be Ricky and Lucy Ricardo. So I can yell. And cry.

7. I don't particularly like some of the blogs that I follow. Don't get me wrong, I'm probably not talking about you. But when I first started blogging, I followed everyone. I wanted to learn. I needed to know about real, whole foods. I needed to learn how to use a glue gun and make my junk look like something from Pier 1. I wanted to know how (fill in the blank) cleaned her house, schooled her kids, grew her garden, bought a month's worth of groceries with 2 nickels and a prayer, etc...all without yelling. Or crying. I quickly realized that following all of those people made me feel bad about the job I was doing. It wasn't real. Nobody shows the ugly part of living. Because really, who would read it? Food blogs never show the scorched pans. Or the sink full of dirty dishes. The whole food blogs don't share that their kids actually gagged when mom served up Kidney Pie, or Liver & Onions. And they make you believe that a good old tub of Ben & Jerry's has never graced the inside of their freezers. Most home school blogs don't share the fact that little Johnny refused to do his required reading. Or the science experiment failed miserably. They don't show the exhausted mom or dad at the end of a really bad school day. And we all have them. And for goodness sake, groceries cost more than $40/week for a family of 6. It's a fact. Even if you are a vegetarian, home gardening, canner/producer. Toilet paper isn't free. And for a family of 6, that's half the grocery budget right there. I should know. We buy that in bulk too.

8. I don't like to sit in movie theaters. I can't stand the thought of my seat being sat in during a previous showing. That person may have had a cold. Or sticky fingers. Or didn't wash his/her hands after using the public bathroom. I shudder to think what kinds of germs are covering my chair and I spend the entire movie wondering if any of those germs have legs. For that same reason...

9. I don't use public restrooms. Unless it's an emergency. Then I'll only use the bathroom at Lowes. Because it's nice. And clean. And I get some really great decorating ideas while sitting in the stall. I usually feel guilty about just using them for their bathroom, so I end up buying something inexpensive. Like sandpaper. I currently have enough sandpaper to sand down the entire outside walls of our 2-story, 5600 square foot house. Probably the inside too.

10. I am technologically challenged. See that rooster at the top of my page? His name was Elvis. Emphasis on was. He's dead. Coming up on 2 years in fact. We now have another rooster. His name is Moonshine. And he looks nothing like the dead Elvis. But I can't remember how to change the picture at the top of the page. So dead Elvis stays. I spent an entire weekend Swagbucking "How to create new banners for blogs." Which left me yelling at the computer. Then crying. I think there was chocolate involved in there somewhere, but the wine obliterated that memory.

In conclusion, I've decided to dye my hair. Because really, that was all this was about. Finding the real me. Under all that gray.☺