Thursday, September 13, 2012
You Should Know...#5~Stupidity in the Store
I hate town. Seriously. I know that town is good for some things, like, coffee and toilet paper, but if I could figure out a way to manufacture my own, I'd never leave the farm. After spending an afternoon dealing with traffic and ignorance, I needed to rant a little.
For the record, pigs are very good listeners. Especially if they are snacking on expired yogurt.
You know those moments where someone says something stupid and the only comeback you can come up with happens 3 hours after the incident? Well, I had several of those. On the same day.
Here's what I think you should know that I would've said...
...had I thought of them sooner...
1. "Why would anyone pay $4/lb for organic when the same apples over there are only $.99/lb.?"
My organic $4/lb. apples are less expensive than your venti Caramel Frappuccino and have the added bonus of not making me fat. Or diabetic.
2. "You know, the store provides plastic bags for your produce. Then you won't have to worry about all the germs in your cart."
Because you coughing into your hand, then touching 3 different heads of lettuce before finding the 1 you wanted, wasn't gross enough? I'll take my chances with the cart.
3. "Would you like paper or plastic?"
What part of those 10 reusable grocery bags that I hauled in do you not understand?
4. "Oh you should taste the red ones." (I think I must have scowled at her before she continued.) "They expect people to taste the grapes before they buy them. Why else would they not seal the bags?"
Stupid woman. That is called stealing. In every country. And every store.
5. "My son has been in detention twice already. I just don't know what his problem is!"
Try looking in your cart. I think you could eliminate the problem by putting the Capt'n Crunch, and Frosted Flakes back onto the shelf. Maybe that big jug of chocolate milk will follow once it loses its friends...
6. "I don't eat fat."
Sweetheart, those Oreos aren't carrots. Neither is the Haggen Das.
7. "...and then he told me if I wasn't willing to compromise on...."
Let me guess. You're having a hard time sharing the space in the bed. Or the couch. Because you sure as heck aren't sharing the aisle with anyone else.
8. "Making my own laundry soap is just too @!#$#% expensive! And there's never any coupons for those ingredients."
Yet you just put 2 large bottles of Tide in your cart, for a total of $34. Oh, sorry, I forgot you had a $.50 off coupon. That made it much better. Smart thinking.
9. "Sorry. I didn't know my coupons were for specific sizes."
No problem. I'll just wait while the courtesy clerk goes and grabs all 23 of the correct items for you. I've got nothing better to do. Really. I could stand here all day....
And my very favorite from my grocery trip...
10. "Cows don't eat grass, stupid." (Not said to me, but her friend.)
This is from the generation that is going to be taking care of me in my old age.
I won't even mention the car full of teenage boys who ran a stop sign, causing me to slam on my brakes and cry out, "Sweet Jesus, make it quick!"
Those boys were so friendly, they gave me a one-finger wave out all 4 of their windows.
Maybe there is still hope for mankind after all...