Showing posts with label Funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funnies. Show all posts

Thursday, March 29, 2012

when singin' the blues no longer matters

Once upon a time, long before I had the life that some might call "rich," I dreamed of another life.

On Broadway.

A long time ago, I used to sing. Not well, but well enough to be asked to perform at weddings (because the budget was tight and I sang cheap) and funerals. (The funeral career ended early after being asked to sing next to an open-casket where the eyes of the deceased were not closed all the way.)

I envisioned myself looking and sounding like Etta James, Rosemary Clooney, or Billie Holiday.


I wanted to draw the crowds of Celine Dion.

I even spent many hours practicing my poise in front of the mirror.


I never quite mastered the poise.


In reality, I look like a crazed woman and sound a little like Kermit the Frog. I sing for parties of one. More if I can hog-tie them to keep them from running.

While I can carry a tune, I never had the sultriness of a blues singer. Or the sex appeal. In fact, most days one would be hard-pressed to even realize that my singing voice is one of a woman. In high school, I was officially a second alto. Most days though, I sang tenor, sitting among the pre-pubescent boys who hadn't yet reached their vocal maturity. On a good day, most of those same boys sounded less like boys and more like Minnie Mouse. Great if we were at Disneyland, not so great if we were singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at a high school concert.

Even though the only thing that remains from my Broadway dreams is my stage name, Kimber Leigh, I still can belt it out with the best of them.

Usually not in key.

And usually with the wrong words to "At Last" and "My Funny Valentine."

I'm evolving as a performer though.


Out here, in the open field, the girls don't really care if my name was never in the bright lights of Broadway.


In fact, they don't care for the blues at all.


They're John Denver fans.

I can do John Denver.

At last, I've arrived.☺

Sunday, February 19, 2012

#3~You Should Know...


A few weeks ago, we lost our beloved Bourbon Red turkey Lucy, to a mystery predator. She was sitting on a clutch of eggs at the time, so we did what any farmy kind of family would do.We adopted them as our own.

Since we're old hands at adoptions of the child variety, we felt more than qualified to handle the adoptions of some freshly layed eggs.

How hard could it be?

Here's what you should know about egg adoptions.

1. Most humans have things to do, errands to run, lives to touch...so unless you have a video-game playing teenage boy who just sits on the couch all day in a vegetative state, get an incubator. Unless you think that same boy won't notice the eggs beneath him...

2. Never, ever, ever keep your incubator in the same room where food will be prepared or eaten. 

3. Don't believe your young sons when they tell you that the turkey eggs were still "slightly warm" when they found them. These are the same sons who just a couple of weeks ago thought they saw a Sasquatch in the woods.

4. Not all eggs want to be adopted. And they will fight the process if at all possible.

5. An exploding turkey egg sounds an awful lot like a drive-by shooting. Two exploding turkey eggs, and all the grown-ups are suddenly throwing themselves across any small children in the room in order to protect them.

6. Don't expect any medals for your heroic efforts, even if they're well-deserved.

7. Exploding eggs do not smell like a breakfast food. And trust me, it will be weeks before you think about eating eggs again. Which is also why #2 is so very important.

8. The smell that comes from a rotting turkey egg is reminiscent of family vacations to Yellowstone National Park. Specifically, the sulpher pots.

Which makes you decide that a return trip to Yellowstone is not going to happen again anytime soon.

9. There are no scented candles currently on the market that will cover the odoriferous scent of rotting turkey eggs. Even if you light 8 of them all at once.

Now you know.☺

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Waiting for the Snow...


I've been hearing reports of snowfall happening all across the United States. Snow is my favorite season. Unfortunately, it is usually not a season that we get to experience too often in my neck of the woods. When the weatherman starts to elude to the fact that a cold front is coming down out of Alaska and bringing some moisture with it, I cease to function in a normal daily routine.

My nose is too tightly pressed against the dining room window. Waiting...

...and waiting...

And since a watched window never snows (forget about the darn boiling pot of water, we're talking snow!), I needed a project to occupy my time.

Because I can only clean the greasy nose prints off the window so many times before people start accusing me of having OCD tendencies.

This is how I spent a recent afternoon.

Texting, old school...

Making labels for the gluten-free bulk flours, starches, and gums.

Organizing the pantry...


...Well, 2 shelves of it anyway.

There's always next year, right?

I also emptied bags of suspicious dried, green, leafy substances...just in case someone decided to call the DEA...



The neighbor's are a suspicious lot...



All of these jars were refilled with bulk spices, most of which I had just tossed into a cupboard.


And most of which were NOT labeled in their clear plastic bags.


I helped my Mister give the expectant mommies a little love...



And I started a not-quite-10-month-old on a lifetime addiction to chocolate gelato...


...much to her 3 yr. old sister's chagrin.


Then I watched the weather forecast where I learned that the snow isn't expected until Saturday night.

Guess I'll get to that pasta shelf after all.☺








Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Peepin' Tom

While in the midst of holiday hustlin', bustlin', wrapping & baking, we had a visitor.

He was not offering his gift wrapping services.

He was not sharing his recipe for pickled peppers.

And he was certainly not selling Avon.


It seems a rumor was started (probably by those cackling hens) that...


...we might be serving beef for this holiday dinner.


Since Tom trusts no one,


he decided to take the "wait & see" approach.


Two days of sitting in the exact same spot, Tom was finally convinced that beef is "what's for dinner."

Today we welcomed the rain...and if you have turkeys, you'll know what I mean.☺

Monday, November 28, 2011

"Practical" Gifts for the Homeschooling Mom


One of the questions that I start hearing this time of year is, "Mom, what do you want for Christmas?" Since it's apparent that my family does not pay me any attention when I'm oohing and aahing over every little piece of junk mail catalog eye candy, I thought I'd do a little tongue-in-cheek series on what Mom's really want.

Because apparently the highlighted, circled-in-red catalogs that I so meticulously placed in all of the high traffic areas of the house are not obvious enough.

Today, it's about The Homeschooling Mom.

~The 3-Ring Binder~

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a brand new, flaps intact binder, with the front still attached to the spine. Not only do I use these for school, they come in handy when I have to prop the edge of the table up to keep the dinner rolls from falling to the floor.

They also make me look smart.

Unless they're under the leg of the table. 

~A large box of red correcting pens~

When the kids start getting on my last nerve of the day, I pull out my trusty red pen (when I can find it!) and start correcting their math. Nothing strikes fear in the hearts of my children like the red correcting pen.

Especially when I ask them to please get me another one because I ran out of ink.☺


~A bullhorn~

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" 

Because "selective hearing" is NOT a recognized impairment.

No matter how many "signed" doctor's notes the kids produce.

~How-To Books~

Because if they see Mom swinging a hammer, or knockin' down a wall, she must be able to build treehouses.

In a 50 foot fir tree.

~Clear acrylic boxes...with lids~

These are to hold all the creepy crawlies that little boys find under front porch lights and have picked off of pick-up truck grills.

That may only be stunned.


And that they want to keep FOREVER.

~A Get Out Of Jail Free card~

And finally, a freebie that allows a do-over for a less-than-perfect parenting day.

Which really translates to this...





Wednesday, November 23, 2011

From Me to You...

Wishing you a very happy, have-to-unsnap-the-jeans kind of Thanksgiving day!


And don't forget to give thanks...


...for the lack of sound on this blog...


...and that you're not at our house for hors douvres!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

For the Love of Meat

For the love of all things bovine...


...porcine...


...poultrified...


...and country fried...


Be very careful what kind of attire you give a meat-eating farmgirl.




She may just turn them into chicken processing outerwear...


...because she can.

*This post does not reflect my opinion of any company who chooses to refrain from consuming or using animal products. Personally, I'd like to thank this particular company for the very nice t-shirt. No tags...gotta love that!☺